I take a perverse joy from reading the National Enquirer. As repulsive as it is, and it can get pretty repulsive (open Whitney Houston casket shots!), it is lunacy written in a playful and entertaining way. I know that 80 per cent of what's in a magazine such as People or Woman's Day is made up, but the National Enquirer at least puts some energy into bringing us this fiction.

I mean, if we're going to fantasise about the rich and fabulous, why make it believable? Why not go nuts?

Obama is gay! No wait he's just an alcoholic! Oprah Winfrey's lesbian lover is having a breakdown! Something, something, aliens!  

So my task today was simple. I handed over $3.99 at Walgreens and joined the 600,000 Americans who buy the National Enquirer each week. I was going to go beyond browsing and pull five stories out for close analysis.

FINALLY, THE TRUTH... Travolta's Gay Boyfriend Revealed! 6 YEAR AFFAIR he hid from wife Kelly... Lover said John's FAT, HAIRY, BODY SMELLS

This article builds on the sexual harassment allegations facing John Travolta by supposedly outing a former pilot of Travolta's, Doug Gotterba, for serving double duty as his lover. 

Shockingly, the genesis of this scoop comes from an attributed, named source. The magazine speaks to Joan Edwards, John Travolta's personal assistant from 1978 to 1984. But this "blockbuster" interview is only responsible for 100 words of a two-and-a-half page story. Her words are kinda plainspoken and reasonable, too.

"I knew he was gay," Edwards says. "It never bothered me."  

The article spends twice as long hyping Edwards' words as it does detailing them. The intimate details come from a former lover of Gotterba's, Robert Britz, who says he was told about Travolta's libido, smell, and body.  

The story segues into fluff and speculation: a quote from an old magazine article of Travolta denying that he is gay, an anecdote from an unauthorised biography about John Travolta and Brooke Shields' agents staging a date between the two, a veiled reference to Travolta's sexuality in a Time magazine article on Scientology. The writer talks to Gotterba, who confirms that he was Travolta's pilot, and nothing else. It finishes with a gloomy quote from an unnamed "insider"  about the effect of this on Travolta's wife Kelly Preston.

When you parse this last quote it doesn't actually say anything. "For Kelly, this is a nightmare that just gets worse by the day."

Chance that this is true? 30 per cent. Joan Edwards evidently worked with Travolta, but not for 28 years. That the story then leans on someone two degrees of separation removed from Travolta to provide drama isn't great journalism. The story then gets worse, relying on unnamed sources and lifts from other media.

After walking free from court... Edwards hot for GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!

The National Enquirer scooped America by uncovering the existence of John Edwards' mistress and love child in 2008. The magazine rented a condo in her gated community for several months and tracked separate obstetricians. But this story is more standard Enquirer fare. Which is to say that it is crazy and I laughed out loud several times.

The story has one unnamed source that details John Edwards as a crazy horn-bag who walked free from court with a hit list of women to bed. It has some dynamite passages: "The love-starved politician's 'hit' list includes a beautiful blonde bartender he became smitten with two-and-a-half years ago - even though she shot him down cold then..." and "The overheated Lothario also has the hots for raven-haired alternate juror Denise Speight, who reportedly made him blush with her nonstop smiling during the trial." If newspapers wrote with such levity and fun, I'm sure sales would improve.

Chance that this is true? 5%. History teaches us not to give John Edwards a lot of credit. But I don't buy it that Edwards, even if he was this way, would have such a loose tongue. 

Kim's a Nightmare! Kanye's staff sick of her bossing them around

Stories such as this and the Edwards one fill two-thirds of the Enquirer. They're celebrity-focused and have one unnamed source who is probably an idiot or invented. They're also really funny. It's as if the writing gets better the crazier it gets. The gist of this story is that in their new relationship Kim Kardashian is making impossible demands on Kanye West's staff, "insisting they accompany her on shopping trips to carry her heavy bags".

"Kim has told them she wants fresh flowers placed around the home on a daily basis - and she won't eat any fruit or veggies that haven't been bought that same day!"

I guess the exclamation points are there in case you didn't take on board that this was Kim Kardashian being really unreasonable. Boy. I did not know that A-list dating came with such logistical baggage.

Chance that this is true? 5%. I throw the five in because the Kardashians are annoying, and if what I assume about all of them is even remotely true, nothing in this would surprise me. Also, it's not really that shocking. Which is another classic Enquirer trick. Bury the lead under another more aggressively exaggerated and slightly untrue lead.

Deadly Truth About 'Miami Cannibal' Drug: Mind-warping bath salts are cheap, widely available, and LEGAL in most states.

You've probably read the story about the Miami "cannibal" who ate parts of a homeless man's face. The National Enquirer posits that the attack was provoked by a psychosis brought on by mixing drugs (either marijuana or otherwise, there's no toxicology report or hard evidence to support it) with bath salts. The article talks about how widely available bath salts are, and quotes two addiction experts who talk about the reaction that people can have when they smoke/snort/inhale bath salts and the damage it can have on their system. It then recommends we all go on high alert about these insidious salts.

Chance that this is true? 50%. It turns out the National Enquirer is being nefarious in this story. It is not the nice-smelling stuff that makes bathtime fun that is ruining American youths, but the story never makes that distinction. An evil new synthetic drug, nicknamed "bath salts", has snuck into smoke shops across the country. It provides a synthetic high, which comes with a supposed risk of extreme psychosis, and is now in the process of being made illegal. Reputable media, such as the Christian Science Monitor, have pointed out that bath-salts-related psychotic episodes bear some correlation to the Miami-face-eating incident. The toxicology report is pending, so at this point, who really knows?

Erin's Not-So-Happy Days

Erin Moran, who played Happy Days' Joanie Cunningham, is now living in a trailer park, getting by on her husband's Walmart salary and the odd personal appearance fee. This is a mean-hearted National Enquirer specialty, making fun of those who fall from the heights of stardom.

"On one rowdy night, Erin bared her breasts for the bar crowd, said the source. But in a sad twist, no one knew who she was." It also contains disparaging remarks about how badly she's aged.

Chance that this is true? 85%. The "unnamed source" that comments on her drinking and public nudity is probably off base. But the story about the trailer park is detailed and actually tracks Moran down there. It quotes a "family friend" instead of an "insider" or "unnamed source", it pulls up court documents about her foreclosed house, and has her ailing IMDB resume to back this all up. 

****

Have you read the National Enquirer? What are your thoughts? Are you a fan of tabloid fictions, or does the whole thing make you a bit ill? 

You can keep the conversation going by becoming a fan of Voyages in America on Facebook or following the conversation on Twitter. You can take in photo streams and loose thoughts at Voyages in America's Tumblr page or by following voyagesinamerica on Instagram. You can even send an old fashioned email!